A Winning Resignation Letter
If you write something like this at the end of a job, you know you had a bad stay. The funny thing is, I loved most of my coworkers and managers, it was just one or two of them that made everything hell, and brought particular hilarity towards the stunts I pulled while I did work there.
Aaron:
Once upon a time you hired me at the McDonald’s store that you currently manage. Fortunately I have managed to escape the irreparable damage you have done to many of my coworkers, yet I still have a burning passion to shove your head into our oven. Perhaps as the skin on your face melts away you can sympathize with all the times I have burnt my hands to the point of blistering, and all the mornings I have faithfully arrived at 4:30 despite staying until 3:00 that same morning to help your pathetically inept managers close the store down.
Hypocrisy is one of the few things I cannot stand. I try to follow procedures all the time: I wear gloves when preparing food, I mark at what time the freezer food expires, I don’t swear in front of the customers. I wish that you could perform the same safety procedures that you so abhorrently insist we follow. At least in the few times that I have prepared food without gloves I washed my hands first, yet being above the policies you see it appropriate to go straight from scratching your posterior to preparing food. Your justification for this? You claim it is in order to ensure the customer gets their food quickly. I suppose that most people would prefer to get Hepatitis A than wait an extra 30 seconds for their food. I know I would.
Of course, it isn’t always your fault. I am sure that the store would be much more efficient if it wasn’t for the pressure pressed upon you by your superiors, such as Matt. Why, just the other day Matt came into the store and started helping us clear out a large number of orders we received. Such nerve! You completely locked up in fear of him, and after about 45 minutes you seemed to restart. When Matt is around apparently the appropriate action for you to take is not to continue whatever work you were doing before he came, but rather begin sucking up and kissing ass with the hope that one day you should be able to fill his job. By the time you are promoted to that position, though, you should be pushing daisies from six feet under.
Speaking of age, there is a certain age after which one should not be working in the McDonald’s stores. That age is around 22. You have violated this maximum age limit and therefore should consider retirement immediately. It is apparent that judgment at your age has been severely hampered. Consider one of your recent appointments to management: Melissa. While she is nice and means well, one look at her husband and children should tell you that she is not management material. Anyone who would marry somebody as stupid and thoughtless as her husband does not posses the intelligence to be a manager. Anybody who neglects her kids as much as her does not posses the ability to take care of your store. Yet knowing her family your dumb ass still decided to promote her, and now look at the fiasco that occurs every night that she is in charge of closing the store. Hint: she is always responsible for the nights that we stay until 3:00 AM cleaning, while the rest of the managers are able to finish with the store by 1:15 AM at the latest.
More on the topic of intelligence, I have discovered that if one is too intelligent, one will likely struggle at McDonald’s. Consider the other day when I arrived 10 minutes early and clocked in to help you through a mass of customers. The first thing you ask me is “WHY ARE YOU LATE?” From this I learned that: 1) I am never supposed to come early, 2) If I do come early, come earlier, 3) you are a dumb ass. I feel I need to clarify this a little; there are three types of people in the world: the first are normal people, the second are idiots, and the third are dumb asses. While the first two groups are capable of free thought and enough will power to succeed at least a little in life, the third group runs around in self-sustained blind ignorance and total disregard for respect or any other aspect of honor that makes us human. Sadly, you fit into this third group.
To iterate this point, later on the same day I checked to see if the hamburger buns have been pulled out of the freezer to thaw. I am sure the customers would be upset if they had to much on burgers whose buns were as solid as hockey pucks. You think otherwise. Upon noticing they haven’t been pulled, I inform you that I would be pulling them out. Sternly you told me no, that it was too early to pull them out. Less than 10 minutes later ask another employee to pull the buns out, and exclaim that it should have been done 2 hours ago. Great thought process… its a good thing I wasn’t late that day.
One of the first things I thought they would have taught you at “Hamburger University” (I almost feel sorry for any one who attends that place) is how to be a charismatic leader. Even without sitting through hours of boring seminars, I can confidently claim that I could easily beat you in this category. One big step towards becoming a better store manager is to stop making your crew feel like rubbish. Take the situation in the previous example: you didn’t have to lie to me, you could have just told me that you wanted my skills put to use on a different task. Or how about all the times you get into the faces of my coworkers to tell them how badly or how wrong they are doing their jobs, then continue to rub it in later? Countless times I have walked into the break room to find one of my coworkers in tears because you bullied them so badly. These are my people and I regret not taking action to end this.
There is one thing that I have learned from working at McDonald’s, one thing that is more important than learning how to cook the perfect fries, or how to deal with the whiny customers. That one thing is that you have to stand up against anybody, no matter how big and influential or how much you risk your own neck, and protect what you know is right. Unfortunately I am out of time to create a union and kick your ass out of the store, but if I had just another few months I guarantee you would be out on the street.
Another thing that annoyed me severely were the customers. I am of the opinion that without the customers, this job would be appreciably more bearable, of course I recognize the fact that without the customers my job would not exist. For example, who the hell comes through the drive through and asks for their order “to go?” There must be a restaurant out there that forces their drive through customers to come in and eat because we get this request a lot more than we should. How stupid do you have to be to answer “yes” when asked if your order is a “Hamburger happy meal for $3.24” when in fact your order consists of at least 3 Big Macs and totals more than $24.00? In the drive through there is a very specific reason we confirm orders before we charge for them, but they still can’t figure out why. I am certain that the majority of our customers fall into the lower idiot category if not directly into the dumb ass category.
The only redemption for me over the past 2 years is every other Friday when I would collect my paycheck. Now that too must end, I am moving on. On July 22, 2007 I will depart from McDonald’s and never return… as an employee.
Sincerely,
For Eternity,
Your Lord and Master,
Mr. Rashy