Rashy.org

It seems that zombies are nothing but a fantasy. Another Halloween has come and gone with no undead walking the streets, eating people’s brains out. This is too bad, because I have always wanted to get into a fight with a zombie, not necessarily for the risk of getting turned into one myself (although that would be pretty cool) but just to have a person-like thing to take all my anger out on. I’ve always wanted to chop somebody’s head off and shove it down what remains of their neck into their stomach. Anyways, I recently realized that zombification is less likely to occur from some virus (like in Resident Evil) or genetic mutation (Far Cry) or through chemicals (as on Haiti). In fact, it is already happening, and I am a victim.

What is causing our zombification? Its the media! The same ones I am always ranting about. Or at least make allusions to how much it sucks. With all the crap I write about the media, I could be discredited as easily as Dan Rathers. Or rather not. I suppose the irony is that my website is part of the media. Thats because I support global zombification.

The main perpetraitor? Its a little button that sits on the top left of my browser window. Behold the beast in its true form:

Its is funny how such a small thing is going to eventually cause the downfall of our beloved planet. Entire civilizations will screech to a… well this crap is getting too dramatic. Point is, I am a slave to that button, and if I am then I can’t imagine how weaker minded people (the rest of the world) would react to it. Is it like crack? “One more dose, one more dose” sounds a lot like “One more click, one more click.”

You would think that growing up cynical to the mainstream media, I would be completely immune to the TV. Apparently I was wrong. I was building a very nice cheese sculpture for a project (it was going to be turned into the greatest cheese pizza ever) until my room mate came into the room and turned on the TV. Oooh! Ads about chicken feed. I was hooked. My cheese sculpture is yet to be completed, much like the Tower of Babel (I wonder if the Babylonians started watching TV and that is why they didn’t finish).

As further proof I throw my own friend on the stand (its not like I am feeding her to the animals… unless you consider yourself an a cannibal). I wanted to hang out with her because I was bored. Guess what takes priority? Desperate Housewives. Of all things in the world that are more important than me, its a stupid TV show about slutty women? Here is a list of things that are more important than me, and are okay to do instead of hanging out with me:

1. A death in the family (read: your own funeral).
2. Sickness: Only because I don’t want your disease.
3. Earning money for yourself (to spend on me).
4. Earning me money.
5. Making a bombing run over France.
6. Building a cheese sculpture (but only because cheese comes from milk).

Obviously any girl who would want to watch TV over hang out with someone as good looking as myself is having her brain controlled by someone else. Even guys want to hang out with me all the time (but only because they hope my good looks and charm with the women will rub off on them).

Apparently when you get addicted you pick your nose.

So where is all this going? It is obvious that having a bunch of mind slaves is useless if all they do is sit around and watch your shows. Hollywood has already come up with the solution: the writers are on strike, no new episodes are being shown. I’ll correct myself, the writers have come up with a solution. Too bad they failed to make use of the situation.

If I was in charge of the strike, it seems like it would be easy to get everybody to get everybody to do your bidding. Such as “Build a statue in my honor, out of cheese, or no more Heroes.” Well, maybe in that case nothing would get done because nobody cares about Heroes (or at least I don’t, and I am a professional cheese statue carver).

One last look, at Hollywood. They haven’t done anything really good in so long. The last great movie I remember seeing in theaters is The Mask. Since then, everything seems to be a re-make or based of a terrible book, or worse, a terrible sequel. Has anybody seen Son of the Mask? Terrible movie, and the number one reason that sequels should never be made. Ever. Another case: The da Vinci Code. The movie spawned off a cult following over the book (which was terribly predictable for me, as are the rest of Dan Brown’s novel). Everybody went to see the film it seemed, it made a ton of money, but it is common knowledge that if the book sucks, then the movie based on the book will suck too. Its like when movies are made off of video games. What was up with the Mortal Combat movies? Nothing. They sucked too. Resident Evil? Ya, people went to see it, but only because they wanted to see Milla Jovovich on the big screen. Mind slaves. All of you. She isn’t even that hot.

Turning people into zombies doesn’t require voodoo or sci-fi tech, it just takes a cocaine-like addiction to the media. The media big shots will keep spewing crap at us, and we’ll lick it up like the obedient dogs we are, and do anything for more.