Chain Letters

I don’t know who first thought of the chain letter, but they are one of those people who are better off not born, like Hitler and Elmo. Daily I wake up and check my e-mail to see whats new. 60 messages! Amazing, I am popular. There has to be at least one from that cute girl I met yesterday, right? Nope. Instead there are 60 e-mails informing me that I must pass on the e-mail to 10 friends, or forever suffer from a bad sexual life. Just great, things were starting to get good between me and this girl and then I get cursed by a handful of bytes stored on a far away server.

Of course, chain letters can be great fun if you can take a step back and read them impersonally, and with the attitude that nothing bad will happen to you. Then picture this: some teenage girl will read the same chain letter, then frantically pass it on to all of her friends, finding that she is an incredible 1 friend short of the required amount. “Oh no! Does sending it to yourself count? Nope!?!” Then you can sit back and enjoy the crying because she will have a bad sex life for the next 7 years. Actually, I think guys would be more disappointed with having a bad sex life. Telling the girls that they will have bad fashion sense for the rest of their life. That would be scary for them.

There is actually a second type of chain letter, the ones that are positive and all happy and deserve to die not once, but three or four times. Those are the ones that promise you will meet the love of your life by next Friday if you don’t break the chain letter, and usually contain a paragraph that is supposed to reassure you by saying something like “OMG THIS RELLY WORKS!!11! I TRIED IT ADN I MET HIM/HER JSUT LICK IT SAYS!!1!!” I think such reassurances are there to burn your brain out so you can’t think and accidentally send on the chain letter.

Of course, some chain letters combine both the positive and the negative. Beware, its a trap! This is one of the lighter chain letters, where the punishment isn’t so bad:

Subject: I’m havin’ a baby
Body: IT’S PRETTY FUNNY THAT YOU OPENED this because in the next
seven days you will:

* have someone fall in love with you
* find money you’ve been missing
* your luck will change for the better in all areas… love, happiness, job, money,

BUT…first you will have to repost this with 1 of these titles:

“I’m a lesbian”
“I GOT ARRESTED AGAIN”
”Baby I want you back, im sorry ”
“Just to settle all the rumors… yes i did”
“I’m getting married!”
“I got the job!.. I’m moving to Ireland!”
“”
“I guess it was never meant to be”
“I got the scholarship!…I’m going to LSU”
“I’m moving : (
“I’m havin a baby”
BEWARE IF U DONT REPOST THIS U WILLL HAVE BAD
LUCK FOR 2 years

Lets analyze! Poor spelling? Check. Bad grammar? Check. Threat? Check. Entirely stupid reason to re-send the chain letter? Check. As a bonus, I only got pinned with 2 years of bad luck. Does bad luck stack? If so I should die of bad luck sometime soon.

This is a class-A stupid chain letter. Now we move on with life.

Wait! What if we could design the perfect chain letter that absolutely nobody would dare break? What would it consist of? Definitely everything in the check list above, and a touch of my magic hand. In fact, I think I will go ahead and right one now, feel free to distribute it!

Subject: Eating Naked Babies
Body: HAHAHA! You sick little pervert… you got a letter titled “Eating Naked Babies” and you opened it? How twisted are you?

But that doesn’t matter, this is the lamest chain letter in the world. It works different from most, you get to select what bad stuff will happen to you! Choose two, or all will ail you.

1) A swarm of toasters will destroy your house.
2) You will find yourself naked in times square… eating a baby!
3) The (girl/guy) you love… will date your twin (brother/sister) and get all smoochy with him in front of you.
4) You will get older faster (i.e. gray hairs will start popping out next week).
5) You will be forced to live with your parents for the rest of your life.
6) Your swimming trunks will fall while you are swimming with your grandparents.

Well now that you have picked your poison, its time to get your reward. Choose one:

1) President Bush somehow gets re-elected for a third term.
2) Travel with Fred Phelps and company; get to see the nation in style!*
3) A free trip to Iraq.**

*Attendance of Westboro Baptist Church mandatory. No refunds.
**Enlistment in the U.S. Army required. See website for details.

Now, the requirements! You must pass this on to 367 friends within the next 20 seconds or the bad stuff you chose will happen to you. Hurry! (*hint* MySpace bulletins might help you).

Loves and kisses from the safety of my house,
Rashy
http://rashy.org

There you have it, an awesome chain letter! Bad spelling and grammar omitted for clarity reasons, please add as necessary. Oh, and if you don’t pass on that chain letter after reading this article, then all that bad stuff will happen to you. Not just one or two, but all of them. Now, to actually get on with life.