Becoming Rashy
It is undeniable that Hollywood is going down the drain. People have been saying it for years, but this summer is the worst of them all for Hollywood. I’m not saying this because Paris Hilton got thrown into jail (when was the last time she starred in a movie anyway?) I’m not talking about all he third sequels that are coming out (Ocean’s Thirteen wasn’t that bad of a movie). I am talking about a movie titled Becoming Jane. The movie is about Jane Austen. For those who don’t know: the author of Pride and Prejudice, as well as a bunch of other boring books.
Of course, I am not the only one who thinks that Jane Austen is a terrible author. Mark Twain once said “An empty library is a better library than one with a Jane Austen novel.” My professor told my class “Jane Austen makes interesting topics worth sleeping through” (so if course, I used this as an excuse for a nap). My best friend said “Somebody needs to put that stupid woman in her place.” Well said. I have no doubt in my mind that this will be a horrible movie about a horrible writer.
According to IMDB, the movie more or less revolves around Jane’s love life, and somehow that inspires her to write her “great and epic novels.” Boring. Where is the gore and bloodshed? How about witty humor? Why isn’t Paris Hilton in this movie? The only redemption for this movie is that the lead actress is Anne Hathaway, and she is looking pretty good.
A Better Movie
The most important part to making a better movie is completely forgetting about Jane Austen? Jane who? This movie can still be about love, as long as it is love of swords and shields. What Hollywood really needs is a movie that is a solid 3 hours of head splitting battle. No story line, no prologue, epilogue, dialogue, or wood logs… unless wood logs are being used to set something or somebody on fire. Just 3 hours of one fight scene, and not something boring like the final fight in the last Matrix movie (I can’t even remember the movie’s name because it was so boring), or the cliche Hollywood battles used in such movies as 300 and Narnia. Rather, we need a movie that mixes futuristic and old fashioned weapons. Sword swinging Attila the Hun taking on gun wielding Clint Eastwood? Goodbye Mr. Eastwood (he was a pansy anyway, it is generally agreed that he bribed his enemies into dieing to him). We could also throw in a host of other celebrities that we don’t like. Oprah anybody?
Of course, a movie that is all drama and no humor is boring (see The Patriot). For example, throw a clown or two in there. After they get beheaded (presumably by our friend Attila) they could sprout a new head, a la the pawn dealer from Men in Black. References to liones, tigers, unicorns, and cute little bunnies being involved in the fight should be avoided at all costs. Instead, replace them with Xena: Princess Warrior and Wonder Woman. Everybody loves a good chick fight, and movies need to have more of them in it.
Seriously though, Hollywood needs to get back on track if we want to have any hopes of creating another classic. Perhaps I should start scripting my movie and submit it to Hollywood. Then we could finally have a movie that would leave (mens’) jaws on the floor.