Rashy.org

There goes good old St. Nick, and it isn’t down Santa Clause Lane. Earlier this week Russian President Vladimir Putin laid claim to the North Pole. For those who aren’t catching on: Santa could become captured by the Commies! This is a terrible blow against capitalism in the old capitalism vs. communism debate since Santa used to be the icon of mindless spending on unnecessary gifts. Now instead of mistletoes there will simply be missiles: from Russia with love.

The big debate in the media over Russia’s claim to the north pole is not over Santa, but over a three letter word that rhymes with spoil: O-I-L. Apparently there is enough oil up there to make President Bush soil his pants. All of this oil provides a hazard to Santa: flying in and out of there with all those oil towers is going to be hazardous. Of course, Santa simply crashing might not be our biggest problem. What if he is captured? How the hell is he supposed to get in and out of his secret lair undetected with everybody watching?

I wonder, if captured, will Santa convert to communism or simply kill himself to protect his honor. Personally I am rooting for suicide. It would be really cool, especially if a video of it got around on YouTube. How would he do it? I think it would be impossible for him to over eat: he definetly has plenty of practice at over-indulging in cookies and milk on Christmas eve. I imagine it would be something more spectacular. Perhaps he could dive from his sleigh and land a nice little belly flop from 2000 feet into the arctic sea.

I am afraid that he would defect to communism though. I have always been a little suspicious of him, wearing that red suit and forcing his elves to work like Stalin did with the Soviet children. Of course, if he does defect then Vladimir Putin would demand that he would start using a nuclear sub instead of sleigh for propaganda purposes. Thankfully due to a radioactive leak or other problems with those tin tubes his reign as a commie would be short, and we could go back to loving the Easter bunny.

Yet if Santa dies, or is even captured, we have another problem: we now have millions of little brats who will be crying out for their presents on Christmas morning. Its already bad enough that they whine about not getting enough presents, it would simply be catastrophe. Simply out of desire of not wanting to deal with this, I am tempted to go and haul that fat lard out of there myself. We could move him to the south pole. There is a slight difference between the two poles. For example, instead of a polar bear problem he would have a penguin problem. Linux lovers rejoice! Also unlike the north pole, there is actual land under the south pole. This means that Santa doesn’t have to worry as much about global warming (when your secret lair is tunneled into a glacier, global warming gives you a lot to worry about).