Rashy.org

This last Sunday I was trying to get my friends to do something fun. Soccer, or “Futbol” if you want to be like the rest of the world, is fun. They just wanted to stay indoors though, claiming that it was necessary for them to to follow the Fourth Commandment. “Which commandment is that again? Thou shalt be boring?” Of course, that was a stupid question on my part. Making fun of people’s religion in my private thoughts is okay, but voicing them outloud has lost me friends in the past. Thankfully not this time though.

I failed miserably this day. For those of you who don’t know, The Fourth Commandment is “Keep the Sabbath holy” and it completely infallable. It is the slacker’s and the procrastinator’s dream commandment. Too bad it only works on the “Sabbath.” Anyways, not only did I fail to get them to come outside and do anything fun (such as running through the sprinklers), I failed to instill in them the belief that soccer is a holy sport. I felt like the Pope trying to preach to a group of hardcore athiests. You may as well try and convert the devil himself!

So what exactly makes soccer so holy? Well it is in the Bible itself! In the Book of Rashy*, chapter 2 verse 11 it says:

And so God with his mighty fist ripped Lucifer’s head straight from his shoulders. From the ground sprung goal posts as did demons; angels swarmed from the sky and the players took their positions. With a blast from the whistle of the Lost Official, the inaugural match of the World Cup was launched

*The Book of Rashy is currently being reviewed by the Catholic Cardinals and should be included in the next edition of the Holy Bible

The Book goes on to tell in hit-by-hit detail how the match was so intense that the Earth itself was nearly split in two. This is the reason that today the competitors in the World Cup are all mortal beings. Of course, there are rumors that that some angels and demons have slipped into the modern day soccer. For example, Zinedine Zidane. Talk about the headbutt from hell. Anybody who can headbutt like that has to have something more than human in them.

The way I see it, soccer is holy not simply because what is written in the Book of Rashy but also because it glorifies our body. See, the Greeks had it right. Sports were the ultimate showcase of a person’s body in ancient Greece. That is why they had the Olympics and stuff, I think. So by logic and a Christian mindset:

1. God gave us bodies in his own image.
2. God says to glorify him (I’m pretty sure he says this somewhere).
3. I glorify him by showing off my rippling mass of muscles in a game of Soccer (which, since we are of the same image, means I am showing off his body, right?)

I win. Of course, the sport must be soccer. Have you seen football players? I’m sure that girls just dig that massive gut that sticks out. Baseball players… don’t really strike me as athletic. They sit around and wait for the ball to get hit. Boxing and wrestling? Well that just destroys bodies. And perhaps its just me, but aren’t soccer girls always cute? There has to be more than chance in that, perhaps a bit of divine intervention? This team is from Wilmington College. A few years ago Stanford had an amazing women’s team, but I can’t seem to find that picture anymore. Anyone want to help out?