Hey guys, its God.

I’m tired of everybody portraying me as a wimpy old man. It looks like I haven’t shaved in years! Do you seriously think I wouldn’t take care of myself very well? Nah, I look much better than that; I have to attract the chicks somehow, Satan was beating me out too badly for all the hot girls. I have a few more bones to pick with you guys too…

Muscles! Goodness!

Ask any guy: if you could make yourself anything in the world, what would you look like? Of course, their response will be something like, “I would be the biggest, strongest, best looking guy in the world.” They might even ask to be the smartest guy in the world, Solomon asked me for this…

Being a guy myself, and also being omnipotent, I chose to make myself exactly that. Why? If I am omnipotent, wouldn’t I just use my powers to attract the girls? Well… thats too easy. Working hard for what you want is good for you, it builds character. When everything just gets handed to you, then it is too easy and no fun. Besides, how many beautiful and young women like to spend time with an old looking hag? I think the only exception is Hugh Hefner. For some reason he always seems to get the girl’s attention.

I like to keep myself in shape. Not only do I have to grab the attention of the girls, but I also have to deal with people like Lucifer. Also keeping up with all you humans is requires that I stay fit and alert, something that an old man would have difficulty doing, no matter how wise. I rather enjoy having my guns too. There is nothing quite like showing all those wannabe pro wrestlers that they are, in fact, weak. It certainly pokes a hole in their ego, which is a lot of fun. They kind of pop, like a balloon, except much louder. But I digress.

Uses

Of course, having big muscles and a sweet six pack is nice and all, but what good does it do if they are completely useless? Well I assure you that I put my guns to good use. You remember Lucifer and the whole apocalypse thing? Someone has to fend him (or is it a her?) off, unless, of course, you prefer to die in a fiery abyss. That is all cool with me too.

My muscles also come in handy for day to day uses, such as moving furniture around my house. It makes no sense to use my powers when I can do it by hand, and show off my guns in the process. I swear, the woman of the house wants the furniture around every day. No problem, and bench pressing the 4 ton dresser makes for a good workout.

My Name

You know that whole thing about “Do not use the Lord’s name in vain!”? I honestly don’t understand it myself. So many priests and uptight mothers have prevented many young people from expressing their discontent or disbelief for years, but they failed to realize that by using my name in vain they are also spreading my word… sort of. I think its funny… such as “JESUS CHRIST ITS A LION! GET IN THE CAR!” That provides for a good kick right there.

Oh, and why aren’t people more funny when they pray? I get bored up here, and listening to every average Joe be completely serious and straightforward is no help. Crack some jokes in your prayers! Tell me about how your cousin Fred fell into a puddle of mud chasing his pig around the barnyard. Or come up with something even better! Spending an eternity listening to everyone being serious has made me lose my sense of humor. The only redemption for me is when Southerners pronounce my name “Laud” such as “Praise da good Laud we got rain!” That cracks me up every time, and is the only reason I haven’t died of boredom up here.

Lightning

Another misconception that many of you seem to have of me is that I, or my counterparts, throw lightning bolts. I don’t. Neither does Jesus, or Allah, or Buddha. It just isn’t our style. Lightning bolts are all boring and don’t cause enough havoc. I prefer stuff like plagues of locusts and floods. It is a lot more grandeur, and it definitely makes my followers crap their pants better than a few bolts of lightning.

I believe that the last person to use lightning was Zeus. He was kind of a weenie too. His thought process must have been something like, “Well, that person is pissing me off. LIGHTNING BOLT!!” You see, a real god, such as myself, will go down and kick that person ourself, and then damn them to the underworld simply because we hate them. Its much cleaner too, you don’t have to deal with everyone else wondering and worrying if you hate them or not.