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Lets face the facts, your chance of becoming famous is so small you’ll need to count on more than your fingers and toes to find the odds. In fact you would need several dozen Chinese men to help you calculate it (rumor has it that they have extra toes). Now that there is this understanding between us, I present to you some sure fire ways to help you lose hope in a fashionable manner. By fashionable manner I don’t mean bombing your potential career like Lindsay Lohan. I mean tanking your entire life, like Curt Kobain, and doing it with style.

Step 1

Stop watching movies such as National Treasure, Sahara, and the Da Vinci Code. There is absolutely no way that as an anthropologist or historian you will ever get a chance to save some artifact, America, or the world from terrorists. The only way you will ever be able to fight terrorists is if you sign up for the U.S. Army or Marines, and I guarantee you will not pick up some hot babe in the middle of the fight and bag her later. Instead watch movies like Donnie Darko to help you realize that in real life, the good guy always dies.

Step 2

Land a dead-end job, preferably in customer service or retail. The purpose of this job is not to give up hope on yourself, but on the rest of the world. The stupidity in the customer service and retail sectors will appall you and force you to ask “How can I live on a planet with this much stupidity?” For example, at work the other day an older customer pulls off an “Out of Order” sticker placed over the coin slot, puts in a coin, then complains to me that the game didn’t work. Oh really? Perhaps simply removing the sticker would fix the problem with the game. Why didn’t I think of that? No refunds on idiocy, until my manager steps in and spews some crap about the customer always being right.

Step 3

After your time working in retail, move out on a farm and raise cows. Shoveling their poop day in and day out will make you question your very own existence. Attempts to teach the cows to shovel their own poop will be futile, so take them into town on a leash and try to attract the ladies with your cute cows. It works with puppies. After your walk through town (and no doubt with stereotypical buck-toothed and hairy but otherwise cute girls in tow), its back to shoveling poop. Think of all the manure you could sell though.

Step 4

Get a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband. At first it feels like hope surging through your body, but then you will realize that it is despair pumping a ton adrenaline through your body. “RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!” your body screams, but you logically remember that the country hick/man-woman (I’m honestly not sure which it is) you picked up could easily chase you down and beat your ass to oblivion. Conversations will be long and drab about what your neighbor (who lives 10 miles away) had for lunch the other day (possum road kill like usual), and you will never want to crawl in bed with that dirty hag. There is no point to life anymore.

Step 5

Start hanging out with old people. Listen to their stories on how great and hard it used to be in the old days, and how nowadays the world is going straight to hell. Of course they wouldn’t realize that the reason we are so screwed up today is because they and their children are running the country, not the rest of us. Oh, and did I mention that their children did a crappy job raising us? And they say teenager’s are too rowdy these days… why don’t we all just shove the blame around?

Step 6

Take on the world. This is your last act of desperation, and it should be a glorious bang. After the dullness of the rest of your life, it will come as quite a relief. This is like trying to beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestling match: it simply can’t be done. How do you do it? Simple, with all the money that you have (from working as a dairy farmer, duh!) you buy a small island (perhaps one from The World), get some guns, declare your independence, and start a war against every country in the world. Yes, I was being very literal when I said “take on the world.” It will be like when the U.S. declared independence from England… except that England didn’t have jet fighters or nukes. On the positive side, your death will be quick and painless.