Halloween is More Important Than Christmas
So I woke up one day about two months ago and went to Wal-Mart to get a gallon of milk. I know, I know, milk in the morning? What was I thinking? Keep in mind this is August. I wander into the milk aisle and I was hit by it. Not the milk, although that would have been amazing, but the Halloween decorations. It was at right about that moment that I realized that in America, Halloween was invariably important than Christmas. What a morbid fascination you people have with death. But of course, I can’t make claim like that without backing it up. Here is my reasoning.
TWO MONTHS!
Yes, this was two months ago that I first saw Halloween decorations coming out. I’m not talking about just a few decorations and maybe a costume or two for the early birds, but a full blown aisle dedicated completely to that blasted holiday. Not to mention it was in the spot where my milk should have been. On the other hand, Christmas decorations don’t go up in stores until at least the end of November, if not the first day of December. Also I noticed that stores tend to leave their Halloween decorations up after Halloween and place them on clearance. I suppose there isn’t much of a market for Halloween goodies after Halloween. Apparently after Christmas, there is absolutely none, as Christmas decorations are promptly removed in favor of New Year’s Day.
Conclusion: Halloween decorations go up earlier before, and come down later after, the holiday than Christmas decorations. Halloween: 1, Christmas: 0.
Gifts
So you get more gifts for Christmas, right? Wrong. As every little kid knows, a years supply of sugar-laden treats is far more valuable than the annual gift of socks or, for the bad kids, coal. Lets face it, a pair of socks and coal have no street value, while candy is gold for a population of runts already hyped up on ADHD, ADD, CHADD, ACADHD, and AIDS.
Conclusion: Kids get better loot for Halloween. Halloween: 2, Christmas: 0.
Late Nights, Early Mornings?
Perhaps its just me, but I hate getting up early. Judging from the amount of snoring in the dorms at 7:00 AM I would say that most other people agree. You have probably already figured out that this point is for the parents. Why do we have a holiday where kids get up before the sun? Why do we have a day where people who like to sleep in, and could sleep in because there is (generally) no work and no school, are forced to get up at the butt-crack of dawn? Christmas is hell. Now lets take a look at Halloween. You stay up late collecting candy, or if you are a bit older you go to parties and have fun until early in the morning. Excellent.
Conclusion: Sleep is necessary in the morning, not at night. Halloween: 3, Christmas: 0.
Bad Ass Factor
Ghouls and zombies, or a fat man in a red suit? Run around in a scary costume making girls cry, or have your cheeks constantly pinched by your Aunt Lorrie? I think the choice is pretty clear for little boys. A day of family gatherings and “peace upon Earth” just doesn’t stand a chance against a night running to strangers’ houses and and annoyingly shouting “TRICK OR TREAT!” Additionally, the chances of getting abducted and raped tends to be a bit higher on Halloween, and the additional risk only adds to the excitement of the night.
It also seems that the year’s horror movies movies are released by Hollywood around the Halloween season. What is more bad ass than dreaming of a world-conquering zombie attack? What would you get out of Christmas? A garden gnome infestation? “WATCH OUT! The garden gnomes are taking over the petunias!” Oooh… scary!
Also, what other time of year can you get a girl to dress up like this?
Conclusion: Zombies kick ass, gnomes are just pathetic. Halloween: 4, Christmas: 0.
As you can see, Halloween kicks Christmas’ ass all over the place. Businesses know this too, that is why Halloween is the second biggest commercial holiday in America, after Hemp Day. Also it is apparently important enough to warrant moving the milk.