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You can’t deny it: today it is cool to be a gangster rapper. These are the guys that pick up all the girls, get famous, and live in big mansions. So what does it take to become a gangster rapper? Well here is what you need:

The list of everything you need to be a gangster rapper:

• Black Skin
• Overly Large Clothes
• Bling-bling
• Lyricz
• Tunes

Here is a breakdown of each category:

Black Skin

I’m sorry Eminem, but you just don’t cut it. You have be black in order for your stories from being “down in the hood” to sound even remotely convincing. But what if you are white and want to be a ganster rapper really badly? No fret, there is a solution to everything. If Michael Jackson can go from black to white, why can’t you go from white to black?

Go to your local hardware store and buy a can of black spray paint. At home in your backyard apply the spray paint to yourself.

Do not wear eye protection. Do not wear mouth or nose protection. Do not wear anything.

Wearing eye protection will diminish the blood-shot eye look that is critical of gangster rappers. Wearing mouth or nose protection may prevent you from becoming “high,” which is also necessary to be a gangster rapper. Wearing even the smallest amount of clothing, especially a loin cloth, will prevent certain areas from being painted. How do you expect to have a great body when a small part of you is white?

Clothing

To be a gangster rapper you must have the right type of clothing. See SouthPole brand. Or Ecko. But having the right brands is not enough. It must fit in both color and size.

Color is very important if you wish to associate with other gangster rappers. Find out what colors they wear - most often it is red or blue (see Red vs. Blue (http://rvb.roosterteeth.com/home.php)). If you do not wish to be associated with a certain group, consider wearing independent colors, namely pink, lime green, bright orange, or violet.

Size makes a difference in the respect you get from other gangster rappers, which is everything in the gangster rapper world. What would you look like if you wore form-fitting clothing? Euro-trash? Homosexual? Preppy? All of the above. 13 is your lucky number, because it is an unlucky number. When purchasing your Southpole or Ecko clothes, look for clothes that are 13 sizes too big. Baggy clothes are necessary in order to hide important personal items such as guns and condoms. Additionally baggy clothing may project the image of larger-than-real muscles, or on the other hand hide your flabby stomache. Make sure you look into a good hoodie. Jerseys may be acceptable if it follows the above rules. Large baggy shirts are acceptable if they are from the above mentioned brands.

On the other hand you can go for the traditional muscle shirt with cargo jeans. Will Smith anyone? Or this guy:

Lyricz

Ah, finally, the bread and butter of your gangster rapping career. The lyrics are what catch people’s attention. Want to be a rapping superstar? Then follow this simple template that has thrown so many others into success.

First Album

Sing about how much you are hated. Play up the part about being black and how living in the ghetto has created this stereotype against you. Completely ignore the fact that you have a girlfriend who cares about you and friends that would die for you, because that would undermine your message. Put yourself into the emo mindset, except turn the sadness into anger. In fact, singing about killing stupid emo crybabies may help earn you a following.

Second Album

Due to the success of your first album, you now own a huge mansion, every girl from New York to L.A. wants to be in your pants. So now it is time to sing about living the high life. Obsess over your bling-bling, and how phat it is. Obscenely describe your sexual fantasies from the night before. Do something that will shock both the conservative right and liberal left. Kudos go to the gangster rapper who throws in a song or two about how you still haven’t fully recovered from your substance abuse.

Third Album

Repeat above

Fourth Album

Repeat above

And so forth until hell freezes over. Then you could sing about how large the icicles are in hell.

Tunes

You have to have catchy music to go along with your so-catchy lyrics. The best way to get good tunes is to find an annoying child’s nursery rhyme to sample. Unfortunately “Do your ears hang low” has already been taken, so you may have to go for something like “Jack and Jill Went up the Hill.” Or maybe somebody has already sampled that. But no matter, all gangster rapper songs sound the same. To be original is not the goal of a gangster rapper, it is to make money in order to buy bling-bling. The more familiar your song sounds to another song, the better chance a listener will get confused and buy your song.

Bling-bling

Every gangster rapper has to have it. A gangster rapper without bling-bling is like a car without a stereo. What constitutes bling-bling?

• Chains. Does it shine in the light? Is it platinum or is it gold? It doesn’t matter, as long as it is shiny.
• Medals. These may be more difficult to get a hold of. One of the most common methods is to steal it from the winners of the Special Olympics. Stealing from the Special Olympics kids will also give you guilt, which makes a great topic to write about.
• Crosses. Everybody loves a hypocrite, and that is why you should wear a cross. Nothing says “Hypocrisy” better than wearing religious symbols while swearing about how everybody (even God) left you or swearing while vividly recounting last night’s sexual pleasures.
• Rings. Especially gold rings. Bonus points if you find the 5 golden rings from that Christmas song.

A prime example of bling-bling:

So hopefully this guide has been helpful on your track to become a gangster rapper!