Energy Drinks: Official Currency of College Students
For those of you who have been stuck under a rock for the past 100 or so years, rates for college tuition has been skyrocketing. This leaves many students as myself with huge debts to the state as well as private lenders. Even with full time jobs, we struggle to pay for our education. So how do we gamble, or buy candy from one another? Why, we use energy drinks. They are like the holy grail of college students.
With late night studying and all nighters for projects its not a surprise that energy drinks were chosen. Every college student wants to be able to party until 4 or 5 in the morning and then spring back up for class at 8:00. Of course, you teacher wonders why you are acting like a zombie. Although because of the recent spike in the popularity of energy drinks, they aren’t as rare (and so not as valuable) as they used to be.
The other day I was walking down the street and I came across a box of amphetamine pills. The ones like what pilots use to stay awake. Well, they are called “GO Pills” for a reason. A dose of that and you are just like “KABAAM!” and everything is so awake. Of course, I didn’t use them myself. Finding a box of those pills is like running across a giant slab of solid gold. Do you eat solid gold? I didn’t think so.
This really was my lucky day. You’d think nobody would touch a box of GO pills that were sitting on the street - or maybe I just forgot to tell them where I found it. I believe I am now stocked up on popcorn, candy, and soda for the rest of the academic year. I suppose I could have drove a harder bargain and gotten somebody’s car out of it too, but oh well.
As you have probably guessed, not all energy drinks were made equal. Some give more of a kick, others go for a higher rate simply because they are name brand. Thankfully for you though, I have made a list of popular energy drinks and their approximate street values.
| Source | Value |
| Red Bull | You can get a pair of wings! If that is unavailable shoot for a few candy bars or a pair of socks. |
| Cocaine | Don’t trade these for its powdered twin, it gives more energy and is actually legal! Keep it for yourself, and use in emergency situations*. |
| XS | XS is amazingly good tasting and gives quite a rush. Take his girl for the night in exchange for a few of these. |
| Monster | Just for pulling this out of your pocket you are going to get nasty ugly goth girls chasing after you. I recommend trading this as fast as you can for anything you can get. |
| RockStar | A guitar pick. Real rock stars don’t need a pick anyway. |
| Amphetamine Pills | Anything you can imagine! |
*Emergency situations include: Finals week, school dances, and Invader Zim T.V. Marathons.
Now what if you could make your own energy drink? That would be like printing your own money! Fortunately energy drinks aren’t very complicated to make. Just throw the following into a blender and mix:
- Carbonated Water – This is the tingly stuff.
- Sugar. Lots of it. Like a whole 5 lb. bag.
- Tropical fruit of some kind. Kiwis work well.
- Caffeine: Getting a pure source of caffiene might be a little hard, so worse comes to it dump in a Star Bucks coffee mocha thing. The mixture will definitely improve the taste of the mocha.
Just make some packaging for your drink with lots of stars and squiggly lines and big obnoxious lettering and you are set to go.