Rashy.org

Lets face it: smoking is a nasty habit. People die every year because of smoking. People also die every year because they are killed by rapists. So why would you want to die from smoking? Smoking is an easily preventable method of dieing, and allows you to die in so many other ways that are much more excitable. So now, if you smoke, I have this handy guide for you. These are the best ways to quit smoking (just so you can die from something else).

The Methods

Lets start right off with a list of different ways to stop smoking.

• The Cold Turkey
• The Druggie
• Patch Whoring
• The Rehabilitation

Of course, there will be descriptions of each method:

The Cold Turkey

This involves the stuffing of your mouth with cold turkey. Hard to guess, huh?

The purpose of this method is to gross you out. Make it so you vomit your ancestors out. Once your guts our splayed out on the ground, you will never feel like shoving that nasty cigarette into your mouth again. This has been proven to be the most effective method by far.

Now for the technical aspects: purchase a turkey, preferably 10 lbs. or bigger. Place in freezer, let freeze overnight (or if you are an Eskimo, leave outside igloo for the night). In the morning, proceed to shove the frozen turkey into your mouth. Disregard the cold, freezing your teeth and mouth will only help numb the pain.

The Druggie

Well everybody knows that drugs are much better for you than smoking. In addition, you get a high from it! Sweet! The last time I went to Canada, Donald Duck was advocating marijuana. I even have a shirt of him smoking a big fat reefer to prove it. Since Disney says it is okay, then it must be! And I guarantee you once you start smoking stuff stronger than your cigarette you will never want to go back. In fact, if you just killed yourself from it then you know you will never go back to cigarettes. Its fool proof.

Patch Whoring

This is my personal favorite. Nothing like a quit-patch to slap onto your arm every morning before you walk out the door.

Wait a minute… I forgot how these things are useful. Apparently they are supposed to leech your blood or something every time you take a puff. “Hey, this is what it feels like to your brain every time you light up!” *SLURP* There goes your blood.

Guess what happens if you use them too much? Well imagine this: a gigantic mosquito with West Nile Virus comes along and decides that you look tasty. Stab goes his needle nose thing, slurp goes your blood, dead. Yeah, better look into new methods unless you enjoy dieing as much as I do.

The Rehabilitation

So you can’t do it on your own? Well that isn’t a big deal: most people are pretty weak minded anyway. Welcome to AA. Don’t worry, they aren’t very intimidating, after all, forgiveness and recovery is their focus. Don’t mind the stalkers they send after you, they are only there to make sure you uphold your faith. What happens if you don’t remain clean and sober?

Introducing the bouncers. Unlike your usual bouncers, the AA bouncers are about twice as tall, twice as mean, and twice as muscular. I once saw them jump this guy on my street who mistakenly thought he wasn’t being watched. It was pretty ugly, the EMTs had to use a spatula to scrap his intestines off the pavement. This is some serious deterrent to smoking: never again will you smoke.

A Better Way to Die

There are so many other ways to die that are so much more fun, quick, and most importantly, painless. Consider skydiving. Everybody speaks of dead sky divers with such high reverence, and the impact only hurts for a microsecond. Or you could be a spy, James Bond style. Except because you aren’t James Bond you will most likely die. Or consider a pirate, conquistador, or any other of my Alternate Careers. Since you are not me, you would most likely die trying to perform those jobs.

The whole purpose of quitting smoking is to allow you to die in a more honorable fashion. Everybody remembers the person who died while driving a homemade rocket car, but nobody remembers some loser who went out, smoked, then died. So get off your ass, quit smoking, and build a rocket car!