Rashy.org

Well the 2008 elections are coming… next year. There are a ton of candidates! They all suck though. Hillary Clinton has her head stuck up her ass, Rudy Giuliani is a douche bag about the whole 9/11 thing, Barack Obama is a pussy when it comes to war, and John McCain is a senile old man. That leaves us with a whole nobody to be president (cause the rest of the candidates are second-string nobodies that I don’t want in office either). I have an excellent idea: vote me to the presidency! I think you will like what I have to offer.

The problem with candidates these days is that they area all worried about getting votes. It doesn’t matter what you believe in, or what the people believe in (or what the people want you to believe in), but only what you want the people to believe in. If that sentence didn’t confuse you, I’ll try again later. Basically my point is this: spread lies, fear, and whipped cream and the American population will be on the palm of your hand. Lets take some examples. Hillary is spreading doom and gloom over women’s rights. She makes it sound like women in the United States are being beaten nightly by their husbands. This is only partly true! Only women who haven’t learned how slap the hell out of their husbands are beaten every night! Rudy is pushing the escalating government budget deficit and blah blah blah. Sorry, I got bored when we started talking about money and finances. Barack has been whining about how the federal government is dishonest to its people and corrupted and plotting against its people and “Hey, why didn’t national guard get into New Orleans earlier after Katrina? They racist or something?” “No sir, if we sent in the guard any earlier, who would have rescued them from the Hurricane?” Now McCain is no idiot, he is following right in the foot steps of President Bush before him. Terrorists are slipping in right under our nose! Our border is being invaded by the Mexicans! “Whats this? The Canadians called? What did they want? Oh, so if any of the current candidates get elected they are worried there will be a mass fleeing from the U.S. into Canada?” Poor Canadians, eh?

But I shouldn’t be bashing on my opponents, even if they deserve it so badly. I always hated it when politicians got into their stupid name-calling arguments, like Bush and Kerry did. It seems so mature when they get on their political ads and say “Well my opponent voted to kill little old ladies who drive too slow.” Honestly though, that particular ad encouraged me to vote for the opponent. Nothing like getting slow old people off the road, they are a hazard to the rest of us. Anyways, here is my platform.

Thats right, oil platform. It will be like that one that The Pirate Bay was (is?) trying to buy. Free music, as long as you live on that platform. I imagine every refugee from the RIAA and MPAA would love to live on it.

A question many of you may have is “What party do you belong to?” Well as I see it, if there is a party I will be there! Parties are a great way to meet people and get drunk and knocked up become a big shot in the political world. But in all seriousness, what is up with this two party system? All we need is one party, of which I will be the head of. No more of this mud flinging about who has more concern for the environment, who will best tell the women to shut up and get back to cleaning, and who has the smaller dick. Some may scream crap about a dictatorship, but never again will anyone have to hear the phrase “Political Correctness” and so the world will be a better place already.

Additionally peace loving hippies will finally get what they deserve: a nice green little forrest for them to frolic in with the deer and the ravenous lions. I would ship them all off to Madagascar where they hug trees all day… after they plant them. In the mean time, the rest of us can get back to doing what we love to do most: fight. Boxing and soccer rumbles would be federally funded, France would be nuked (or maybe we could just invade it, either way would be incredibly easy), the police would be little more than bouncers, and The OC would be replaced with reruns of Jerry Springer shows. Once again America would be at the top of the food chain, and not because the rest of the world tore itself apart in a war, but because we simply kick ass.

Asia would also have to be dealt with. It seems that everybody loves Japan, so I think I would relocate it inside the borders of the U.S. (in order to eliminate trading tariffs and such). It could replace California, an obviously useless state (seriously, Hollywood either needs to shape up or shut down). With Japan under our belt, we could provide a real competition for China instead of the pussyfooting that we are doing now.

Its time for U.S. politics to stop being built upon compromise, empty promises, and the backs of stupid lobby groups (such as the Sheep Molestation And Rapist Team (SMART), seriously, what the hell?). As a Presidential running candidate, I advocate that our Government puts down its pacifier and picks up its club.