Google FBI
Recently some friends of mine where wondering what the FBI uses to track people down. One of them suggested Google. I did a little background searching on it, and its true. Google actually uses Google to gather information about wanted persons. In recognizing their usefulness to the FBI, Google created a special search engine for the FBI. Through methods I would rather not discuss, I have gained access to this search engine and now have a wealth of information on everybody. For example, did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a tattoo of a cute little bunny rabbit on the bottom of his left foot? Or that Fred Phelps is actually gay? Neither did I. But it is all available in the Google FBI Search!
So after browsing through the Google FBI Search, I realized that this is a powerful and dangerous tool for anybody to have access to. It is a immensely huge database profiling every single citizen of the United States. The profiles are incredibly detailed to. My own profile records the last time I picked my nose, and what color my booger was (it was “puke” colored). There was a profile of Greenday, and in it was the lyrics to all their crappy songs (yup, it was every single song they have ever made). Who keeps track of that kind of stuff? And more importantly, why?
Well apparently it has an importance to somebody. Perhaps my booger’s color contains a clue that will help the FBI stop an assassination attempt on the President. Or maybe Greenday’s songs have some underlying message — messages that could overthrow the government. Or maybe somebody is just paranoid, which sounds more likely to me.
Want to date a hot girl? This could be the perfect stalker tool! If you are into that kind of crap. Don’t know what to get her for her birthday? You can bet that the FBI somehow found it out. Her favorite color, type of toothbrush, thong or granny panties? Its all in there. You don’t even have to ask her for her number. I told you this is a dangerous tool. (Any girls reading this: I want to apologize in advice for preventing you from sleeping ever again, for always keeping your doors locked, and having a bottle of mace always within arms reach.)
In order to make you feel somewhat secure, this database is pretty well protected. It took me almost 2 hours to figure out how to crack all the security in place, and I have never tried to crack any database before.
There are some advantages to this database that you may not have thought of. Suspected terrorists are tracked right down to the number of hairs under their armpit. Why the number of hairs under their armpit? So that if we need to ID them, then we can just count those hairs. So rest assured: the FBI does not want a repeat of 9/11. It doesn’t matter if your privacy is invaded a thousand times over, at least you won’t die in a terrorist attack.
One of the biggest issues that bothered me was “nd How can they gather this much information?” Security cameras all over the United States would be impractical — not only would it be incredibly expensive to install, but it would become outdated very quickly and would require too much storage space to record all the information. You can’t place agents everywhere, their black suits would give them away. The solution? Animals. Every animal is an FBI agent. Don’t believe me? Look closely into your pet’s eyes. Don’t see any intelligence in there? That is because you aren’t intelligent enough to see it.
But seriously, a couple weeks ago I caught my dog talking. Talking. Want to know the scary part? He was talking about me and everything I have done in the past day. Talking. After breaking into his doghouse (I break into a lot of things), I discovered that he was sending information to the FBI headquarters in Washington DC. Also included where contacts of nearby agents. Birds, horses, even insects are on this list. Somebody in DC is very paranoid.