This last Sunday I was trying to get my friends to do something fun. Soccer, or “Futbol” if you want to be like the rest of the world, is fun. They just wanted to stay indoors though, claiming that it was necessary for them to to follow the Fourth Commandment. “Which commandment is that again? Thou shalt be boring?” Of course, that was a stupid question on my part. Making fun of people’s religion in my private thoughts is okay, but voicing them outloud has lost me friends in the past. Thankfully not this time though. (more…)

Everybody is hating on MySpace these days, I guess they just don’t see the postive side of things. There are many excellent things about MySpace that nobody thinks about from day to day. For one thing, it gives all those teenagers something to talk about at school, something to lift the dreariness of their life. (more…)

Unlike my article on Great TV Shows, I refuse to even be sarcastic about this. Animal rights are a very serious subject! There are a phenominal amount of animal right organizations out there, and a number of powerful figures that support them, such as Alan Dershowitz. Alan Who? Try and pronounce that name! Who is he, by the way? (more…)

There goes good old St. Nick, and it isn’t down Santa Clause Lane. Earlier this week Russian President Vladimir Putin laid claim to the North Pole. For those who aren’t catching on: Santa could become captured by the Commies! This is a terrible blow against capitalism in the old capitalism vs. communism debate since Santa used to be the icon of mindless spending on unnecessary gifts. Now instead of mistletoes there will simply be missiles: from Russia with love. (more…)

Get back into that kitchen!

I don’t know about everyone else, but my mother has my father whipped. Not just the normal “Will you please pick the kids up from soccer practice” type of whipped, but I mean WHIPPED. He does the laundry, he cooks the meals, works 10 hour days, pulls the weeds in the garden and everything. Apparently since the rise of feminism starting in the 1940s and climaxing with bra-burning in the late ’60s and early ’70s, more and more men have been taking to the kitchen. I’m assuming this is because they fear the withdrawal of sex. Women: this has got to stop! Ever since the trend of feminism has started, the state of the world has been going down the drain. I have prepared several examples to show this.

Global Warming

My studies have concluded that as you increase the percentage of women who work, invariable you will be increasing the amount of green house gases emitted into the atmosphere. I believe this has something to do with the additional driving that women do. It is inevitable that, in an attempt to go to work (or return from work) they will stop at the mall and/or other stores in order to window shop. Also women are notoriously bad drivers. Smoke and other fumes released by their wrecked cars help lead to increased green house gas emissions.

As you can see, global warming grows exponentially as the number of women drivers increases linearly. As anyone who has taken math 101 knows, this leads to disastrous results.

Starvation

Global hunger has become more prominent. Why you ask? The cause is men and their cooking. Simple fact of life: men cannot cook. Whole families are starving because women, feeling their “need” to work, are forcing men to cook the food. Lets face it: what kid in their right mind would eat something that dad cooked? Perhaps the only exception to this is for grilling stuff. Nobody grills a steak like a man, and because of this steak is the only meal that a man should ever cook.

Rowdy Teenagers

A bad diet causes bad tempers. I don’t know how many nutritionists have proved this: too many to count. It has also been proven by me that women cook more nutritious meals. Conclusion: Women should be cooking. Youth crime would drop, teenagers might even do their homework for once! What could be better than a perfect little momma’s boy or daddy’s girl?

The Iraq War

Nobody except Bush thinks that the Iraq war is going in the right direction. Once again the cause of this disaster can be pointed at women. Men don’t like to cook because it takes away from other more worth while ventures, such as video games, hunting, and bar crashing. Men are so desperate to get away from cooking that they are signing into the army as an excuse to get away from their chores. As everybody knows, if people didn’t sign up for the army, then we wouldn’t have an army and thusly no war.

Illegal Downloading

I’m not sure how cooking and illegal downloading are related, but it is undeniable that they are. Just take a look at this graph.

Please note that the one billion illegal downloads in 1996 were all committed by Microsoft against Apple.

So women, think of the future of society! Men, get your woman back under control.

Graduation Rings

Well it is that time of year, ladies and gentlemen. Your sons and daughters are getting their diplomas and getting out of town! Of course, they aren’t leaving before they have a chance to get completely wasted at a killer party. Another thing they want before they leave: a graduation ring. Let me get this straight, you are going to buy a ring that costs at least a couple hundred dollars to celebrate graduating from high school?

Lets get a few things clear here. High school graduation is not that great. Anybody can graduate from high school. Even my dog graduated from high school, and with a 4.0 GPA! I can’t believe how everybody is making such a big deal about it. I got a card in the mail the other day, it said something like “Congradulations! You are graduating from high school!” Well then… Congradulations! You are a moron for having any doubt that I wouldn’t! The only good part about it is that it came with a check for $50.00. Perhaps I can tolerate some more of these cards if they keep coming with money!

Now back to the rings. They aren’t even that cool looking! They are big ugly pieces of deformed metal. Just about the only thing that they are good for is hitting people with, and yet even then only the preps get rings. When was the last time you saw a prep get into a fight? Thugs wear jewelery that is, well, not as gay.

Also the rings are ugly. I’m not talking about simply undesirable, but UGLY! They have all these little engavings on them that you have to squint at to make any sense out of. The stones are fake, I am sure the “metal” is just plastic that was sprayed to look and feel like metal. Good job, you just got ripped off over something that looks like crap.

Currently it seems that Jostens is the biggest player in the class ring market. They also sell the caps, gowns and everything else. Talk about a monopoly! Also everybody looks like lemmings. Poorly dressed lemmings at that. In order to break the monotony, I will be wearing a toga to graduation, and sporting a self-made ring. In fact, lets run Jostens out of business! Here is how to make your own class ring:

Make your own ring!

1. Find yourself a piece of metal. It can come from anywhere, I took mine from my car. You can also use silverware, knife blades, or a chain link. Ideally it should be as much of a rectangle shape as possible.

2. Start bending the metal into a ring shape. Heating it may be required. Please use adult supervision when working with flames, we don’t want any idiots burning themselves. On second thought, idiots shouldn’t be doing this anyway.

3. Finish bending the metal into a ring shape. Grab a wielding torch and wield it shut. To ensure that the ring isn’t too small to fit on your finger, you may need too wield it shut while it is on your finger. Additionally, wielding it to your finger will ensure that you never lose it.

4. Add a nice finishing touch to your ring. Something that will help you beat the snot out of those you hate will work best. I chose a trident. Go ahead and wield that onto your ring too.

You can also engrave your name or class year onto your ring. This was something I never really understood. Are you going to forget your name, or the year that you graduated? I might forget when I graduated, but who cares? Its not like it is that big of a deal.

Top 10 Worst Bands

Avril Lavigne

With the release of her new album, a lot of her old fans claim that she has sold out. Her sound is more pop sounding, more mainstream, and just terrible, like she lost her edge or something. I disagree completely. She has always sucked. From the first day this snotty little brat started singing about skater boys and how much crap her life is, she got dumped into the same bin where I throw all all the local teenage girl poets. Unfortunately with the release of her single, “Girlfriend”, every radio station on earth is spewing her crap as if it was a great work of art. She sounds exactly like she did on her first album! She hasn’t lost her edge, she never had an edge! She has always been pop sounding. With that said, I am sick of hearing her new single everywhere from the radio to the girls trying to sing it in class. It is one of the crappiest songs that I have ever heard.

Hawthorne Heights, Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, AFI, any other emo band.

Hey, they are emo. Their music sucks. If I want to get depressed and into a mood to cut myself up, I will go to a bar and start hitting on the girls there. I don’t need to listen to crappy music to get into the mood. In fact, doing so may make me too depressed to cut myself. Listening to music is supposed to make you feel good, not like you are a worthless pile of crap (even if that is what you really are).

All American Rejects

These guys run in the same vein as Avril. Pop and crap, flattened out and molded into a nice little disk for you to ravage your ears with. This band falls into the self pity crap that emo bans love to drone on and on about, and yet their music sounds like pop. What does this make them? Emo? Pop? We need to make a new category for the All America Rejects. “Just Plain Crap.” That is just generic enough that we can stick every other band that sucks into there. The only reason I can’t simply ignore this band is because all of the girls around me are drooling over the lead singer. Apprently he is attractive or something. If someone would lend me a prybar I would fix that problem right up. No longer would girls be exclaiming “OOOMGG! THE SINGER FROM ALL AMERICAN REJECTS IS HOT!” Hey, its like taking care of two problems at the same time.

Nickleback

The crown of faking a bad-ass attitude have to definitely be Nickleback. Its like they are trying to be black, but they aren’t and it just isn’t working. Its like Eminem trying to rap. Okay Nickleback, you go and do some slow ballads that many couples have as “their song.” Some of them could even be considered love songs. Then you turn around and play a song like “Animals” where they truly try to act like they are “playas.” MAKE UP YOUR MIND! I don’t want anymore of this confusing in-between crap. You are either a soft-going ballad weenie, or a hard rocking menace to society. Stop doing both just to attract a larger fan base. That is what sell outs do.

Killswitch Engage

Unlike Nickleback, Killswitch Engage knows exactly where it is throwing its lot in. Hard rock screaming music all the way. Unfortunately, this doesn’t cut it either. What I mean is, you actually have to be good if you are going to be playing metal. Anybody can get up there and scream until their voice goes out on them. In fact, that is what my future band will do. It takes skill to actually turn it into music, sill that Killswitch Engage does not have. Learn to play your instruments. It sounds like the same drumming is being used on every song. The guitars are just one big jumbled mess of crap. You can’t make out any riffs or anything! There are so many more bands out there that actually have talent.

Reliant K

First off, I have nothing against Christian bands. In fact, I love many Christian bands such as Edgewater, Skillet, and Pillar. The problem with Reliant K is that they use guitar riffs that could be made by a two year old, and the lyrics are obviously tailored towards teenage girls driving around in Jettas. To top things off, the band seems to be moving further away from Christian music, which is the only thing that brought them any attention at all. I wouldn’t be surprised, nor disappointed, if they fell off the edge of the Earth within the next year. Then I wouldn’t have to hear anymore teenage girls wearing crosses and “I HEART JESUS!” shirts attempting to sing their poorly created songs.

The Fray

Question: What sounds like a drunken monkey attempting to sing through its nose? Hint, he is the lead singer to The Fray. Its Isaac Slade! Everybody is going crazy for The Fray’s single, “How to Save a Life.” I honestly can’t figure out why anybody likes it. It sounds like Isaac had some serious nasal problems when he sang this song, or they substituted a drunken monkey for him on this one song. Honestly, I sing like that when I am asleep! Its a good thing that he is slurring his words so badly. Check out these lyrics.

“I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth”

Just a lovely little package of sad lyrics for you. Go cry and stab yourselves out. Maybe I will start liking The Fray the next time I put on my makeup, black hair dye, and hang out with the circus freaks in town.

System of a Down

Why System of a Down is so popular is anybody’s guess. Their actual music isn’t too bad. The guitars are good, the drumming is great, but what is going on with their lyrics? How stoned do you have to be before all that weird crap starts flowing out of your mouth? I read somewhere that System of a Down’s lead singer, Serj Tankian, is into abstract poetry. I would say! Yet not even I would say anything like that after I have had several rounds of hard liquor, and I say some pretty stupid crap when I am drunk (or at least thats what my friends tell me, I don’t really remember it myself). I’m not sure what the purpose of their crazy, non-sensical lyrics are. To draw attention? Well it lost mine.

Snow Patrol

I don’t think there is any other band out there who makes their songs sound so similar. Every single song! I just don’t hear any difference, no matter what album it is on, no matter what the lyrics are. Its like listening to Hoobastank, except worse. Everybody take some slow melodic beat and softly sing some lyrics that are hardly comprehensible! You could be the next Snow Patrol. How are they even becoming popular? Somebody needs to put an end to this pathetic group, and while they are at it they should whipe out Coldplay. Nobody likes that dumb band either.

Green Day

If Green Day could leave behind their politically charged songs and just play for the hell of it, their songs may not be too bad. Nope, they have to throw in a bunch of their misaligned political messages and just ruin everything. That and they have to start going all sad emo style on us. It seems every band is doing that. The Boulevard of Broken Dreams? Sounds like it could be the title of the newest Dashboard Confessional album. Check out these deep lyrics:

“Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again”

Oh the pain, the pain, and everything that follows. The bleeding hearts that we plater all over our mech! Note the use of the stars. For some reason the emo kids I know are fascinated with them. Oh, and you have to love the makeup that Billy Joel wears. Sexy guys wear makeup? Nope, stupid emo kids who cut themselves wear makeup, to “hide the pain and suffering in their life.” Or to “be original,” just like every other emo kid that hangs in their clique. I have trouble remembering which.

Hey guys, its God.

I’m tired of everybody portraying me as a wimpy old man. It looks like I haven’t shaved in years! Do you seriously think I wouldn’t take care of myself very well? Nah, I look much better than that; I have to attract the chicks somehow, Satan was beating me out too badly for all the hot girls. I have a few more bones to pick with you guys too…

Muscles! Goodness!

Ask any guy: if you could make yourself anything in the world, what would you look like? Of course, their response will be something like, “I would be the biggest, strongest, best looking guy in the world.” They might even ask to be the smartest guy in the world, Solomon asked me for this…

Being a guy myself, and also being omnipotent, I chose to make myself exactly that. Why? If I am omnipotent, wouldn’t I just use my powers to attract the girls? Well… thats too easy. Working hard for what you want is good for you, it builds character. When everything just gets handed to you, then it is too easy and no fun. Besides, how many beautiful and young women like to spend time with an old looking hag? I think the only exception is Hugh Hefner. For some reason he always seems to get the girl’s attention.

I like to keep myself in shape. Not only do I have to grab the attention of the girls, but I also have to deal with people like Lucifer. Also keeping up with all you humans is requires that I stay fit and alert, something that an old man would have difficulty doing, no matter how wise. I rather enjoy having my guns too. There is nothing quite like showing all those wannabe pro wrestlers that they are, in fact, weak. It certainly pokes a hole in their ego, which is a lot of fun. They kind of pop, like a balloon, except much louder. But I digress.

Uses

Of course, having big muscles and a sweet six pack is nice and all, but what good does it do if they are completely useless? Well I assure you that I put my guns to good use. You remember Lucifer and the whole apocalypse thing? Someone has to fend him (or is it a her?) off, unless, of course, you prefer to die in a fiery abyss. That is all cool with me too.

My muscles also come in handy for day to day uses, such as moving furniture around my house. It makes no sense to use my powers when I can do it by hand, and show off my guns in the process. I swear, the woman of the house wants the furniture around every day. No problem, and bench pressing the 4 ton dresser makes for a good workout.

My Name

You know that whole thing about “Do not use the Lord’s name in vain!”? I honestly don’t understand it myself. So many priests and uptight mothers have prevented many young people from expressing their discontent or disbelief for years, but they failed to realize that by using my name in vain they are also spreading my word… sort of. I think its funny… such as “JESUS CHRIST ITS A LION! GET IN THE CAR!” That provides for a good kick right there.

Oh, and why aren’t people more funny when they pray? I get bored up here, and listening to every average Joe be completely serious and straightforward is no help. Crack some jokes in your prayers! Tell me about how your cousin Fred fell into a puddle of mud chasing his pig around the barnyard. Or come up with something even better! Spending an eternity listening to everyone being serious has made me lose my sense of humor. The only redemption for me is when Southerners pronounce my name “Laud” such as “Praise da good Laud we got rain!” That cracks me up every time, and is the only reason I haven’t died of boredom up here.

Lightning

Another misconception that many of you seem to have of me is that I, or my counterparts, throw lightning bolts. I don’t. Neither does Jesus, or Allah, or Buddha. It just isn’t our style. Lightning bolts are all boring and don’t cause enough havoc. I prefer stuff like plagues of locusts and floods. It is a lot more grandeur, and it definitely makes my followers crap their pants better than a few bolts of lightning.

I believe that the last person to use lightning was Zeus. He was kind of a weenie too. His thought process must have been something like, “Well, that person is pissing me off. LIGHTNING BOLT!!” You see, a real god, such as myself, will go down and kick that person ourself, and then damn them to the underworld simply because we hate them. Its much cleaner too, you don’t have to deal with everyone else wondering and worrying if you hate them or not.

So everybody wants to be an original? Perhaps you have heard of that saying, “Just be yourself and you will be original enough.” Whoever thought that up failed to realize that there are just under 7 billion people on this planet. Last I checked, there weren’t 7 billion different styles. In order to be “cool” and “hip” many people have chosen to follow one of a few styles, which has become mainstream. This is my guide on how to avoid looking like everybody else.

Now of course, we have to identify the enemy. We have to know what we don’t want to be in order to not be it on accident. Looking like one of these people marks you as dumb and, worse, mainstream.

Jock/Prep

Of course, everybody loves the preps and the jocks. They are the popular kids, after all. Too bad everybody tries to be them, the image is completely worn out. Everybody has the shirt from American Eagle, Abercrombie and Fitch, or some other worthless rag shop just to prove they can look like all the cool kids. Time to break your own path and stop being a walking billboard. These people are more or less the reigning champs right now not only because of their large numbers but also their increased aggressiveness and physical superiority.

Nerds/Geeks

This is one of the harder groups to calculate the numbers of, mainly because very few of them will admit to fitting into this clique. When you see a large group (large being 5 or more) of these people coming after you, and they are all dressed the same, you know that they can’t really be that original anymore. Thats right folks, even the nerds and geeks are getting overrun by look-alikes, mainly consisting of people from their own group. Nerd pride organizations have sprung up across the country, with slogans such as “Nerd Today, Boss Tomorrow.” Shirts from t-shirt sites have begun to come up with shirts that say stuff like “Speak nerdy to me.” Yes, nerds are definitely becoming popular, not that there is anything wrong with that (they can fix my computer). It would be wrong to become a nerd for several reasons.

• If you are reading this, you aren’t smart enough to be one.
• If you are smart enough and you are reading this, you soon won’t be smart enough.
• More and more people are becoming nerds. Nobody likes lemmings (unless they are roasted on a stick).
• Nerds are the repellent of babes, until they are 40-something and have a ton of money. Do you really want to wait that long to get laid?

Emo

Ah yes, the over growing attention contest that is Emo. Who can mess up their haircut the most? Who can bleed the blackest blood? It is all a stupid contest that you want nothing to do with. Guys wearing make up? The last time I put anything on my face was at a face painting booth when I was three. These people act like it is Halloween all year round! What weenies. I guess the worst part of this is that society is embracing them as being unique. Oh yes, all three of you look unique when I can’t tell you apart when you are walking down the halls? Oh, and do you now how many good bands have gone bad because they fell to emo-ism? The lostprophets are a case in point. So I now have proof that:

1) Emoism corrupts good people.

2) Emo guys like to play dressup all year long.

3) Emoism is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to losers.

4) Being emo makes you look like Harry Potter (and act like him).

Old People

Perhaps the most populous of these groups are the old people. They are also the most aggressive at recruitment efforts. Due to this, it seems that everyone eventually falls into this group of bingo players and tapioca eaters. Sad, too bad they didn’t have the will to resist getting old. This group is perhaps the most annoying due to their slow driving and affinity for pets and grandchildren.

Don’t fall into their trap! Liberate yourself and come to the truly non-conformist side! As an added bonus, we have free nachos and hot chicks - the perfect combination for anybody.

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