Whether or not the fast food industry is a cause of obesity in the United States, one thing is certain: people who are fat continue to go to fast food restaurants. Everybody knows how bad those places are for your health, in fact I think I have published several articles on the subject myself, and yet they come. By the semi-truck load. Using a standard tray liner I was able to keep track of the number of obese and non-obese people that came through drivethrough. Here is a picture of my tallying: (more…)

This Is Where The Flusher Is!

When I enter a public bathroom, nothing is more bliss to my nose than the smell of rotting urine that has been sitting in a toilet for the past several hours, or days. It has become an art form: many young men across the country are trying to perfect the technique.

NO! It is so disgusting seeing that people cannot figure out where the flush handle is. I want to use a public bathroom without having to deal with this!

Aside from the stench, there are some serious health issues at hand.

Health Issues

Toilet Snakes

Nobody is entirely sure where toilet snakes come from. Some say they live in the u-bend of the toilet and wait until you are seated before it strikes at your backside; but this is just an old wive’s tale used to scare off the little kids. In reality, Toilet Snakes live in the sewer and are attracted to the smell of urine left in a toilet. When they sense an approaching person, they disguise themselves as poop in hopes that they will simply be flushed back down into the sewer. Don’t be fooled! If you see a toilet snake, don’t even approached the toilet bowl. They are are very poisonous: a toilet snake is one of the primary carriers of Hepatitus A and B. Instead, back away slowly and call your mommy for help. Screaming like a little girl may be necessary depending on the size of the toilet snake.

Corrosion

Human waste is known to be one of the most vile substances on Earth. It has been known to corrode the porcelain of a toilet bowl over time, and could easily melt the soles of your shoes. For this reason, it is important to flush human waste into the sewer system where rats and other vermin can consume the waste. Sure, the rates may get some kind of radiation poisoning and becoming giant monsters that will wreck… but at least you don’t have to deal with the waste burning through your tile floor. That floor cost a lot of money! Not to the stench would drive away all the girls. Besides, what do you think we have a SWAT team for?

There have been rumors that the U.S. Government is looking into human waste as a chemical weapon. After noticing the effectiveness with which monkey’s use their feces in combat, federal research labs across the United States begin working on ways to mass produce the waste and use it in missiles. Fortunately, they haven’t realized how easy it would be for them to attach collection tanks to our house’s drain pipe.

Why?

So why don’t people flush the toilet when they are done?

Germs

This is a more common cause for the girls. “Ewww! Its got germs on the handle!” Oh no! Not the germs! Maybe that is why we wash our hands after we are done using the potty. Lets see, spend 20 seconds washing your hands (which is good hygeine practice anyway), or suffer the consequences mentioned above? I don’t think the choice is very hard.

It reallly irks me when guys say stuff like this. You sissy. Those germs are microscopic, and you are like 6′0″ and 175 lbs. Maybe more, depending on your diet. Its not like they can hurt you. So get over it, its not like you are sparkling clean anyway. Guys are so infected with disease and bacteria and all that other crap that a little more won’t make any difference. Oh, and take a shower at least once a week.

Mal Intent

This is done by those people who like to be mischevious. Nobody is entirely sure why they do it. Perhaps it is to exact some kind of revenge on the world. Or maybe just the next person to use the restroom. Grow up.

Lets face it: smoking is a nasty habit. People die every year because of smoking. People also die every year because they are killed by rapists. So why would you want to die from smoking? Smoking is an easily preventable method of dieing, and allows you to die in so many other ways that are much more excitable. So now, if you smoke, I have this handy guide for you. These are the best ways to quit smoking (just so you can die from something else).

The Methods

Lets start right off with a list of different ways to stop smoking.

• The Cold Turkey
• The Druggie
• Patch Whoring
• The Rehabilitation

Of course, there will be descriptions of each method:

The Cold Turkey

This involves the stuffing of your mouth with cold turkey. Hard to guess, huh?

The purpose of this method is to gross you out. Make it so you vomit your ancestors out. Once your guts our splayed out on the ground, you will never feel like shoving that nasty cigarette into your mouth again. This has been proven to be the most effective method by far.

Now for the technical aspects: purchase a turkey, preferably 10 lbs. or bigger. Place in freezer, let freeze overnight (or if you are an Eskimo, leave outside igloo for the night). In the morning, proceed to shove the frozen turkey into your mouth. Disregard the cold, freezing your teeth and mouth will only help numb the pain.

The Druggie

Well everybody knows that drugs are much better for you than smoking. In addition, you get a high from it! Sweet! The last time I went to Canada, Donald Duck was advocating marijuana. I even have a shirt of him smoking a big fat reefer to prove it. Since Disney says it is okay, then it must be! And I guarantee you once you start smoking stuff stronger than your cigarette you will never want to go back. In fact, if you just killed yourself from it then you know you will never go back to cigarettes. Its fool proof.

Patch Whoring

This is my personal favorite. Nothing like a quit-patch to slap onto your arm every morning before you walk out the door.

Wait a minute… I forgot how these things are useful. Apparently they are supposed to leech your blood or something every time you take a puff. “Hey, this is what it feels like to your brain every time you light up!” *SLURP* There goes your blood.

Guess what happens if you use them too much? Well imagine this: a gigantic mosquito with West Nile Virus comes along and decides that you look tasty. Stab goes his needle nose thing, slurp goes your blood, dead. Yeah, better look into new methods unless you enjoy dieing as much as I do.

The Rehabilitation

So you can’t do it on your own? Well that isn’t a big deal: most people are pretty weak minded anyway. Welcome to AA. Don’t worry, they aren’t very intimidating, after all, forgiveness and recovery is their focus. Don’t mind the stalkers they send after you, they are only there to make sure you uphold your faith. What happens if you don’t remain clean and sober?

Introducing the bouncers. Unlike your usual bouncers, the AA bouncers are about twice as tall, twice as mean, and twice as muscular. I once saw them jump this guy on my street who mistakenly thought he wasn’t being watched. It was pretty ugly, the EMTs had to use a spatula to scrap his intestines off the pavement. This is some serious deterrent to smoking: never again will you smoke.

A Better Way to Die

There are so many other ways to die that are so much more fun, quick, and most importantly, painless. Consider skydiving. Everybody speaks of dead sky divers with such high reverence, and the impact only hurts for a microsecond. Or you could be a spy, James Bond style. Except because you aren’t James Bond you will most likely die. Or consider a pirate, conquistador, or any other of my Alternate Careers. Since you are not me, you would most likely die trying to perform those jobs.

The whole purpose of quitting smoking is to allow you to die in a more honorable fashion. Everybody remembers the person who died while driving a homemade rocket car, but nobody remembers some loser who went out, smoked, then died. So get off your ass, quit smoking, and build a rocket car!